September 2010
1 post
In Which Our Hero Waits Two Hours To Play A... →
It’s a Wednesday night and I’m on a thirty minute bike ride so I can go play some videogames in an abandoned warehouse with hundreds of other socially deficient dorks. Let me explain:…
July 2010
1 post
10 Hopes And Wishes For “The Social Network,” The... →
Perhaps you haven’t heard, but there’s a movie coming up that’s going to SHATTER YOUR WORLD (assuming your world sucks) and it’s all about Facebook. It’s directed by David Fincher,…
June 2010
1 post
Consider the Splenda →
(photo via)
A disclaimer: I originally wrote this essay as part of a creative nonfiction class, working from David Foster Wallace’s incredible Consider the Lobster and its…
December 2009
1 post
We’re Always Right: Best Music of 2009 Awards →
These guys are not in the “Best Music” list, but they swept the “Take A Shower” awards.
We do a lot of talking at Taintbrush. Sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we are right. The latter is…
November 2009
1 post
Welcome to the MSTRKRFT Concert →
Oh, this crowd. My roommate and I are here because she called into the radio station and won tickets, and now to my right is a girl who has taken her shirt off, wearing just a leopard print…
October 2009
1 post
Sex, Drugs & Hero Worship: Finding Chuck... →
Some heroes look like Cary Grant. Mine looks like this.
I. I think I’ve just seen my hero walk past me in a Barnes & Noble. He is almost middle-aged, wearing a ferocious beard with…
August 2009
1 post
Reality TV Family Trees, Or Why I Need to Lose My... →
“What’s up, Real?” “Oh, nothing, Chase - just about to get my dick sucked. You?”
I do not feel safe in the world.
I don’t have health care, because it’s expensive. I can barely…
July 2009
5 posts
Asher Roth Fan Club #1 →
mfw, lookin’ for some cutie Asher Roth fans
Acoustic hip-hop covers are the most unheralded genre in music, because music critics are afraid of the transformative power of a bro…
How Darryl Phinnessee Saved Christmas →
(via Buzzfeed)
I didn’t watch the Michael Jackson memorial because I was being a working person doing work at the time of its bajillion-channel broadcast (I still love you, liveblogs.)…
Public Enemas. Lol →
In the vacuum of gangster drama, no one can hear you emote.
The above title is irony. Public Enemies will not make you shit yourself. It is also not a shitty movie. But, given the…
A Guide To Spanish Film (And Possibly Pleasing... →
Gwyneth loves Spanish tradition! Especially a hearty vegan, gluten-free, macrobiotic paella.
In light of Gwyneth Paltrow’s outpouring of adoration for Spanish culture, I ventured…
Bread Train To Hell →
I am so sorry.
I stepped into a crowded subway car around ten this morning to see that a long stretch of seats was occupied by a urine-drenched person with his head in a box. People…
June 2009
8 posts
The King is Dead, Boys →
The realest dude, gold lamé and all.
Michael Jackson is dead but I am not. This should be enough to make me happy about life, and I am. But plenty of people are not happy about life…
Week In Brief: I Turned 21 →
DISCLAIMER: This is my LiveJournal. OK cool, so.
Blog poets society
I spent almost my entire nineteenth birthday in the bathtub experiencing the First Great Meltdown of my adultish life….
AUTOBOTS, OOH RAH!! →
They can’t believe they were just in this movie.
In Chicago’s Lincoln Park, where I live, there’s an athletic center with a fake rock climbing wall located on the outside wall of the…
C-List Celebrity, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS... →
This man is selling shit you will never be able to afford, like Grey Goose vodka and love.
Orson Welles once said that movies are canned because they come in cans, which means they…
Extra Long Twizzlers: An Internal Dialogue →
The eclipse of the mind and the heart that occurs when one comes across Extra Long Twizzlers for the first time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Inner Child: OOOH, look at…
If Scott Stapp Comes A-Knocking, Don’t Start... →
Can you take me higher, Scott Stapp?
Creed is reuniting this summer. I presume that your genitals have exploded after reading that sentence, and will give you a moment to clean up.…
I’m Twee for Twilight!!! →
This Native American/Werewolf knows what youth culture is about in 2009.
On the first night of summer break, I was overcome with a wave of nausea from some noxious tobacco that had…
8 High-Annoyance, High-Reward Tasks You Should... →
100% real To Do list
It’s summer, and chances are your routine is changing a little bit. It’s supposed to be the happiest season of the year, but maybe you feel inexplicably bogged down…
May 2009
3 posts
EVERYONE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE INTERNET →
This is the future of communication.
I’ve been working at a Chicago comic book store for the last five years which has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, getting…
Crocs: The Jig Is Up, Now Get Your Dog Out Of That... →
MEOW?
I don’t know if “the jig is up” is even an appropriate phrase to use here, it’s kind of one of those Jason Stathamisms I end up barfing out at all the wrong moments, but…
No, Green Day Did Not Write That →
Stop covering Kate Bush’s songs. She will pounce you.
Big Star’s first two records are about to be reissued on vinyl and CD in a month, which makes me giddier than a pig rolling in…
April 2009
6 posts
The Quest for the Perfect Internship Continues →
Some of you may remember the time I gleefully applied to be an office intern for It’s A Good Day To Be Black And Sexy — regretfully I didn’t land the gig, but my shattered hopes have been pieced…
TAINTBRUSH PRESENTS: Happy Passover and Easter →
Just two adorable Easter bunnies eatin’ matzo.
Why a video? Well, it’s simple. We love Passover, and we think Easter’s cool too ’cause bunnies are cuddly. We enjoy the festivities and…
For Immediate Release: This Band Sucks →
This cat is of sick of writing press releases.
PR people must be the unhappiest people in the entire world. They might not be aware of their misery - perhaps it lies under their…
Fidel’s Corner: The Curse of Asher Roth →
Do something stupid: Listen to this bullshit.
A spectre is haunting the American consciousness - the spectre of Asher Roth. All of the powers of old hip-hop have entered into a…
“Metallica Never Sold Out,” Say Stupid Idiots →
Nice scarf, Kirk.
Metallica is going into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year, an accomplishment that rates somewhere between getting a full snack card punched at Baskin Robbins…
Update: I’m Old Enough For This Shit →
THE WOZ gettin’ Wozzy on a bitch
I may have been all huffy about teen/tween trends, but now I am a changed woman (sort of) and my sarcasm has washed away (sort of!) As it turns out, we…
March 2009
12 posts
Looking for Love Streams →
John Cassavetes holding Gena Rowlands in loving embrace.
Paris, early December, 2008. The shop is crowded with balding men in trenchcoats squeezing past each other to flip through…
Supernatural is Just Natural, Baby →
Emotional development, Supernatural-style.
We are living in a post-MTV world. Push up your glasses, spit out your dentures, yammer in edentulous glee that the old ways aren’t there…
“Like Weak Skunk Pee” →
Weak? You’re not doing it right, bro.
Our apologies. It’s been a busy week of finals and working on school stuff and a bunch of boring shit you don’t really care about; BUT, we will…
WatchTaintbrush Presents: SMUGFACE
For those of us who are not naturally complacent and offensively self-satisfied all the time, consider this a practical instructional video: here’s how to be smug as fuck and how to make the corresponding face.
Breaking News: I’m Too Old For This Shit →
OH MAH GAWWWW!!!!!!!
Maybe because I’m the ripe age of 20, I have a hard time judging whether pop culture has always been controlled by teenagers or if this is a recent shift. Either…
“My Brother’s Keeper” Not Just A Shout-Out To Jodi... →
KON-VICT MU-SIC!
A terrifying tidbit from Akon’s Wikipedia entry:
Akon has confirmed that a reality television show is in the works. It will be called “My Brother’s Keeper” and the…
Does Playing Resident Evil 5 Make You A Racist? →
You are about to kill all these black people.
At midnight last night, I walked over to the local GameStop with a friend of mine, kicked the door in, stared the clerk in the eye and…
Steve Vai: An Exercise in Laser Beams →
Steve Vai is a man not many of you should care about. He’s a guitarist’s guitarist, which means he’s a slash wizard who can out-shred the fuck out of 99% of musicians on…
The Main Problem with Watchmen: Not Enough Dicks →
This is a censored picture. In the movie, his swinging cod is out in full force.
I saw Watchmen the other day, and while I won’t waste time crying about how much I didn’t like it,…
Watchmen, or: YOU FOOLS →
This man has giant nipples.
I was 13 the first time I read Watchmen. I took it out from the library on a whim because I had heard it was good from the guy at my comic book store,…
Wu-Tang Dunks Underscore Truth of “C.R.E.A.M” →
What is it that makes these shoes so special, so intricate, so Wu-Tang? I sat in on the board meeting to develop and market these sneakers back in 1999 when they were released, and the…
Chud.com Posts Bad Entertainment Filler, The World... →
Serious: I just want to troll Zak Snyder hard enough so that one day, he will get Internet mad and try to hunt me down. Then we can discuss theories of adaptation and why he needs to…
February 2009
10 posts
Push-ups, Fitness, and the Smug Face →
Just workin’ on they fitness
emmy: i once read this NYT article that says a 40 year old woman should be able to manage 16 push-ups no problem, which means a 20 year old woman should…
The Slippery Slope of the Oscars →
A fan of The Dark Knight gets ready to post on the Internet.
A final note on the Academy Awards, and then we will never discuss them again. Ideologically, I hate what the Oscars stand…
Anime Owns, This Kid Doesn’t →
Behold my fort of virginity.
Just kidding, anime sucks. It’s easy to love Akira and whatever cuteness Hayao Miyazaki craps out, but anime culture is probably the worst thing next…
Taintbrush Presents: The Only Authoritative Oscar... →
The Academy isn’t fooling anyone with all this posing as though it’s rewarding art, technical prowess, or talent; that it’s about merit, taste, upholding a standard of excellence; that it has…
It’s Been A While…Since I Blew $60 on Staind... →
Aaron Lewis of Staind will be the understudy of Kevin James in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop - The Musical.”
I don’t know what goes on in Upstate New York. I imagine there are nice houses,…
Stop Caring About The Beatles →
What have The Beatles ever done for you? Nothing, that’s what!
I own a Beatles t-shirt. It’s green, has a fuzzy cut out of the band circa the Let It Be sessions on the front, and…
Rolcats: A Meme We Can Get Behind (For Now) →
Have strength, my little cabbage. By the mercy of NKVD Order No. 00447, we have been chosen for Resettlement. We will show the tin mines of Kolyma the true power of the proletariat.
…
Can Anything Make the Lonely Island Funny? →
This is the first thing you see when you get to Hell.
The Lonely Island has always seemed to us like a third-rate version of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, from the sports…
Why Your E-mail Signature Might Smell Like Asshole →
What’s that smell?
I’ve been using e-mail for as long as velociraptors have freely roamed the earth, and I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen the rise and decline of gran-dad AOL, the…